My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
