all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
