I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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