And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
