I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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