Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
