I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
