I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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