Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
