Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
did i just pee glitter
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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