Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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