If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
