wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
