I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
