you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
