Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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