A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I deserve this hangover.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
