I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
