Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
