I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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