When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize