I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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