I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
