I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
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