dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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