You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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