Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
