Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
