Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
