I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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