At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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