dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
