I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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