you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
