you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
