I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
