Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
