Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize