I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
The ass gains better be worth it
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