i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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