I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
grandma shit on top of the toilet
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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