i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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