after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
