I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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