dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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