I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
