Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize