Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
