Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
