I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
