there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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