Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
