i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I am mentally ready for anal.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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