The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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