hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
