it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Randomize