So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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