I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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