I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
