dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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